02 Feb This Amazing Body
This is my body! It has some medical problems. I treated it badly for 30 years and its fighting back!
Feeding my emotions with food and alcohol instead of love and acceptance has made my body heavy and tired. My back has been painful, my gallbladder gave up in 2016 and wanted out. My liver has had enough and my knees and hips make their thoughts known on a daily basis.
I scooted into my 40’s three years ago big and brash, oozing confidence on the outside, while on the inside I felt very scared and alone. I felt like no-one could help me and that I was a failure in all aspects of my life because of my body. Since then I have been working on acceptance & vulnerability, love, nutrition and the principles we teach in our Psychological Approaches to Obesity training.
For the last 18 months I have been turning things around. I now walk my dog (yes I got a dog!) twice a day, and sometimes we run! I can bend over and squat down, I swim, I walk down the street without obsessing who is looking at me and can they see the most ugly bits of my body. I eat nourishing food and I eat more often. I gave up weighing myself and dieting. I gave up comparing my body to others and looking at my body in disgust. I did the hard work on accepting that I spent too much time looking after other people while I was emotionally and physically abusing myself.
My point is that I have changed and its been really hard, but soooooo worthwhile. The journey is not finished (is it ever?) but as I pack my bag for another hospital visit this week I can remember the key times when I learnt something or accepted some small truth about myself and I feel grateful for those times because they lead me to here. My shame was holding me back, but I’ve got nothing to be ashamed about – this body is what it is! I sought help for 20 years, and much of the professionals I encountered only offered me more diet culture, motivation to diet and “be healthy’ with the accompanying feelings of shame and none of them could challenge what was going on inside my head to replace the self loathing with self esteem! Im looking forward to the future with greedy aspirations to live it to the fullest, and to never let my body get in the way of my awesomeness – ever again!